Up until recently there was nothing to do in Monroe, New York. The movie theater was the place to be because Wal-Mart kicks you out at 3am. And since this is a corporate theater chain we’re dealing with you can imagine the wonderful experiences people endure when going to see a movie there. When you hear guest lecturers or business experts on television talk about the loss of a human touch in corporations they weren’t high when they said that.

For those of you who don’t have a corporate movie theater chain near you, or those intelligent enough to avoid these theaters from the beginning, let me tell you about the problems the rest of us have to deal with. This particular chain has raised ticket prices over the past few years quietly while complaining publicly in the business section that movie attendance is declining. Right now it’s up to $10 to see a movie. Considering that you’re bombarded with wall-to-wall advertisements for non-movie related products, and commercials that make you yearn for the return of Pauley Shore, I think it’s fair to argue that anything approaching $6.00 for a ticket equates to consumer rape.

Before you even get to the theater you run into advertisements. They’re on the front door of the mall entrance, and the ads are in your face when you step inside the theater courtesy of these new plasma screens hanging around the lobby. If you can find your way out of the zombie-like trance the screens induce you’ll find a conveniently placed concession stand. A concession stand that has popcorn sitting there from before the Earth cooled. And if that wasn’t bad enough the theater sells overpriced candy and food you could have gotten at one of the other stores in the mall. The problem is the theater decided you couldn’t bring in outside food and drinks with you to see a movie. Nice huh? Not only do they get you for $10, but now if you want to eat you have to smuggle food in like a cocaine mule. And that food the theater serves is no walk in the park. Between you and me, one of those value meals will send you into the bathroom twenty minutes into the movie with Montezuma’s revenge.

This chain expanded with 10 new theaters in the downstairs. All of the new and allegedly improved theaters are smaller in terms of screen size, theater size, and have those chairs that rock if you lean back in them. Imagine my enjoyment when I have to wedge my 6? 4? frame between these seats, and some bald headed schmuck who thinks he’s Steve Austin leans back and takes away my quarter inch of leg room. Once paralysis sets in you start to notice local advertising on screen and canned music from the corporate record label. It used to be that you came in and they go right to the trailers for upcoming films. Now they started running commercials that you can see for free on television like the stupid jeans commercial with the guy riding his 70’s muscle car like a prom date.

Then there is everyone’s favorite, the Fandango commercials. I HATE Fandango. I swear to god that the next person I see who laughs at the Fandango commercial is getting smacked in the face with a piece of dry wall. Those Fandango commercials are not funny. Just buy the fricking tickets in person! If you know the movie is going to be sold out get the tickets a few days in advance. Problem solved. The more people stay away from Fandango the more likely they will stop airing these mind-numbingly lame commercials. After about ten minutes of this cavalcade of crap you think they’re going to show the trailers but then they hit you with this anal leakage inducing “Inconsiderate cell phone man” ad. Why couldn’t they go with a ten-second slide saying “Please turn your cell phone off” followed by another that says, “If you don’t, you’ll be beaten to death by the lady sitting next to you”?

I like how the rating system is thoroughly enforced at these chains, too. I went to see Bad Boys II and they checked my ID when I purchased the tickets, and again when I reentered the theater after a bathroom break to get razor blades. As I was getting ready to end my life I overheard an usher kicking out a seventeen year old just as a baby was crying inside the theater. I want someone to explain to me how a baby and other small children are allowed into the theater with their parents when some seventeen year old can’t get in to see the movie. Maybe I shouldn’t question these people; after all they gave us Fandango puppets made out of brown paper bags. Which if you ask me is an act of corporate thrift. I could be lighting dog turds in those paper bags!

After seeing some of these new movie trailers that look like a chimp took a dump and smeared it on a roll of film, my legs and back feeling like I was in a car wreck, and the incredibly bad movie that made me wish I had killed myself, you then stumble out of the theater blurry-eyed and agitated. As if this experience was not bad enough, as you leave the theater they have some loser handing out free candy or flyers promoting some inane product. It’s not until you get to your car, which is either banged up or stolen depending on what the local wildlife felt like doing, that you are free from the grip of theater and this nightmarish experience. Why couldn’t they pay this guy to watch my car? I should be allowed to take the candy and give him one swift kick to the nuts. Because that’s the closest thing I’m getting to a refund. If I were you I would find a nice local theater near you and start investing your money there. Support the local economy and stop giving money to these corporate chain wods.